2024-04-22

After about 14 years of being in a relationship (not married) with a guy who is asexual.

I’m a young, attractive woman with a high libido and it was killing me. Very slowly and painfully.

Since he is a really special kind of human being and we have amazing connection in other areas, I tried to fix it. I couldn’t. I tried to talk many times, gently. I suggested therapy – he refused, so I went alone. He wouldn’t talk about it – at first at all, later he’d talk, but he didn’t really know what to say except that there was no childhood abuse and he doesn’t know what’s wrong. He saw me crying. I told him I feel trapped and left alone with an issue that couples usually try to work out together. But he had absolutely zero desire to touch me even though he loved me dearly. No kissing, no any kind of physical affection ever. Go figure.

So by the time I met this other guy, I hadn’t had sex in… I don’t even know. Ten years? It sounds insane, I know. And it is. Men stare at me all the time, but I was being faithful to my boyfriend. I was constantly stressed because of it, my hormones were all messed up. I was hungry for touch. No, scratch that – I was starving. And I’d practically lost all hope and was thinking that I’d never get to experience intimacy in my life, because this was my first boyfriend, so I never even had a chance to explore my sexuality. All I knew is that I’m very sex positive and I need a similar partner.

When you’re in this kind of mental state, it really doesn’t take much to be swept off your feet.

So finally I had a fling with this guy I met randomly. Oh my… It was intense. When we kissed, my head was spinning. I’d been dreaming of someone kissing me passionately for at least a decade. The sex was amazing. Fierce. Powerful. Without reservations.

It was so liberating. I suddenly felt like a woman. I was suddenly whole, connected to the side of me that was neglected pretty much my whole life. It was such a sweet feeling, I couldn’t get enough of it.

So what’s the catch, I hear you asking.

Well, this new guy was a narcissist.

I don’t think he was ever diagnosed, but there were a lot of red flags. I’m being extremely careful not to stick this label to a random jerk, I’m convinced he had the disorder.

Of course, I ignored the red flags at first. I wanted to be kissed, to be held close to someone, to feel desired, to have physical intimacy. I was craving for that stuff, and for the sake of getting what I wanted my brain chose to ignore all the warning signs.

I could tell you about the ridiculous things he said and did, but it’s a story for another time. In the end, after future-faking a lot and asking me to move in with him, he just vanished. No, not from the face of the earth – he was still very much active on social media. But I got the message. I connected all the dots very quickly at that moment and realized what actually happened. He tried to hoover months later, around holiday time, but I blocked him without responding and that was that.

It stung badly at first, but the feeling didn’t stay for long.

I don’t miss him. I miss the feeling of being desired by a man.

This whole story made me realize that I was in a wrong relationship, so I broke things off with my boyfriend soon after. We’re still good friends, but we can’t be a couple because I can’t live my life without physical intimacy. I just can’t.

I sure as hell do not regret the affair because it made me realize that I’m not dead yet and I need to change something.

A few words about the comments.

I appreciate people giving me advice in this situation (this isn’t my first post on this topic), but the sexuality of my ex is really not my problem anymore and I will do nothing about it. I tried all kinds of ways to fix it, but the truth is that the guy feels that nothing is wrong. I was the one having a problem with it and to him everything was a-ok, despite countless conversations and whatnot. This is the way he’s always been, but he never put any labels on himself and I don’t think he even knew about asexuality. It’s also not one of those cases where passion fizzles out over time. It wasn’t there to begin with. We had other things in common, but the incompatibility in the intimacy department was so huge that eventually I realized that we just can’t be a couple. Physical touch is my primary love language (or at least one of the most important ones), and he feels happiest if he can avoid touch entirely.

I don’t think it’s a hormone issue, I think it’s a complex thing and most likely he was born with it, that’s why asexuality is now understood as a sexual orientation. I have zero problems with it, I just wish he had been more open about it with me and didn’t leave me to deal with it alone, completely neglecting and avoiding this issue. My entire twenties went without sexual intimacy, trying to fix a situation that could not be fixed, and a person that didn’t need fixing. I now understand that some people are meant to be our friends, business partners, mentors, advisors, soulmates or whatever, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they can be our life partners or spouses.

For others in the same situation: if you live in chronic misery, I hope you have enough wisdom to leave sooner rather than later. Don’t wait until the situation fixes itself, take action and take responsibility for your happiness. Nobody else will fix your life for you.

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